Since my mom passed away five months ago, my life has gone through tremendous upheaval, hurts and grief, tears, starts and stops, and also some healing. Losing my second parent was somehow more difficult, I think because it represented a loss of not only a parent but so much more: My sources of wisdom and comfort, consternation (hey they weren’t perfect), laughter, a generation of knowledge and shared memories, family stories, the loss of the “daughter” role, recipes, loved voices, parental hugs, and so on. Up until then, I was still someone’s “child” regardless of my age. I enjoyed hearing my mom introduce me as her daughter. I had a special role in my mom’s eyes. I didn’t want to take on the role as the matriarch, I wanted my mom to stay in that role. I am sure my feelings are not unique, that many daughters have felt this way.
A couple of months ago, I decided to spend some vacation time on me, to concentrate on ways of healing. I asked for one day/week off from work, on Wednesdays, for that purpose. I had been having difficulty getting through a full work week without breaking down into tears or from becoming overwhelmed. I thought if I could break up my work week and spend Wednesdays taking care of me, then maybe that would help me to heal while helping me to re-engage at work. I was lucky that my supervisor was very supportive of my efforts.
I spent the “me” times in a variety of ways that I thought would help. I spent a good deal of time in prayer, I rebooted my meditation practice, got a massage, a pedicure, started yoga, read a lot of books, soaked in a hot bath with essential oils, and things like that. I also got a few sessions of Reiki and Quantum healing, which I found to be very therapeutic. I began to start feeling some better, and longer stretches went between the tears.
One day at a time, one step at a time, I’m once again laughing and smiling, feeling love, and feeling enthusiasm for helping others. I’ve got my first essential oil workshop scheduled and I’m looking forward to trying new endeavors. I feel again the light of love shining within me, ready to share with others. I felt guilty for awhile for neglecting my business, my website, my day job, and such, until I realized I needed that time to grieve and to begin to heal. I could face it head on or not, the choice was mine. It’s my turn to be the matriarch, to learn more, to grow my own light so that I can share it with others, to prepare my own daughters for their turn, whenever that time may come. I still have sad moments and unexpected tears, but I also have warm memories of happy times, and smiles when I think of my mom and my dad. They are well loved, whole again and happy in spirit, and I take comfort in the knowledge that one day I will again see them, and embrace them.